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Dead Bedroom: What Is It And What Can You Do About It?

The phrase ‘dead bedroom’ has been surging up the Google rankings in the past year. Here’s a look at what it means, and what you can do to rescue the situation!

‘Dead bedroom’ means that a couple has very infrequent sex or has stopped engaging in sexual activity at all. It’s not an official medical term, so you won’t hear doctors or therapists using it, and there is no precise definition of when a relationship is considered to be in the dead bedroom zone. 

It’s a subjective issue, because for some couples having sex once a month might be satisfactory, but for others it is just not enough. It could mean a completely sexless marriage, or a relationship where sex occurs but it’s often a source of tension or lack of enthusiasm and is unsatisfying for one or both partners. 

What can cause a dead bedroom?

There are any number of reasons why sexual intimacy might begin to fade away, but one of the most common is a mismatched libido, when one partner has a much higher sex drive than the other. This can lead to feelings of rejection and frustration, and even less frequent sex as the sense of connection breaks down. 

It is often a situation that builds up gradually, when the initial honeymoon phase of a relationship begins to fade away. A couple who are not in the habit of talking openly about their feelings can descend into a spiral of less sex and intimacy that becomes a source of unspoken resentment, making communication even more difficult.

Sometimes, it can just be the ordinary but stressful business of life that causes a couple to become more sexually distant: a change of job, a new baby, moving house. All these things can leave one or both partners with less time and energy for sex.

How can you revive a dead bedroom?

There’s no need to accept an unsatisfactory sex life, but the only route back to intimacy is by opening up an honest conversation to clear the air. It’s important to be open about the way you feel, but do not be tempted to blame your partner for everything. If they are going through a busy or difficult time, try to see the situation from their perspective.

Rebuild intimacy slowly

You might agree to set aside one night a week where you focus only on your relationship. Once you feel closer emotionally, reestablish some physical closeness. Start with smaller acts such as kissing and holding hands rather than suddenly attempting full-on passion.

Many people who assume that they have a low libido often just need some pleasurable stimulation to get them in the right place for sex. This is what psychologists call ‘responsive desire’ rather than ‘spontaneous desire’. Explore each other’s erogenous zones, and be honest about what turns you on. 

Stay relaxed and enjoy the moment rather than worrying about what will happen next. Taking away the expectation can help you to rebuild your intimacy in a new way, and may bring you closer to each other than you have ever been before. 

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