How Do You Get Out Of A Transactional Sexual Relationship?

Whether it is an expression of love, a way to blow off steam or an experiment in pleasure with sex toys, sex has so many different meanings, all of which are perfectly valid in the context of a mutual, safe, consenting relationship.

This can be a monogamous romance, a polycule, friends with benefits or any kind of relationship, and all kinds of sex can take place in all sorts of different places within a relationship.

However, when sex becomes seen not as something wonderful and meaningful in its own right but as an object of exchange within a relationship or a reward, it can potentially cause problems.

A recent example of this was depicted in a column for The Metro, in reaction to Katy Perry’s revelation that she gives blowjobs as a reward for cleaning household tasks, and how this turns an expression of pleasure and ecstasy into something traded for other favours.

Of course, there are several caveats that need to be addressed when discussing transactional sexual dynamics, as not all of them have these problems.

It is absolutely fine for a BDSM relationship to have rewards and punishments within the relationship dynamic, as long as everyone agrees to it, is happy to do it and the pleasure and pain links to the dominant/submissive fantasy. 

Sometimes domming is about bondage and hot wax, and sometimes it is about making sure a sub cleans their room and drinks enough water.

It is also fine for sex to be entirely transactional if everyone is happy to be sexually close but emotionally distant, and consents to that arrangement.

The problem is when sex becomes transactional and less about giving because you care and want to reciprocate the kindness, love and care someone else gives you.

It is when a sexual relationship resembles a business deal more than something emotional. Every action, even ones that seem generous on the surface, has an expectation of a reward.

At its worst, it can feel isolating and unfulfilling, as each person in a relationship feels like they are valued not for who they are but for what they offer, and whilst that can work for some people, keeping score can just as easily create resentment and an unfulfilling sex life.

After all, if sex is transactional, pleasure, intimacy, foreplay and a close connection can often fall by the wayside.

Thankfully, in most relationships, there are ways around this, and by far the simplest one is not to treat sex as a reward in the first place. It becomes something expected rather than something desired, and that is far from satisfying for anyone.

As well as this, give without the expectation of reward and be willing to say no or not reward what the other person does as well. This breaks the idea that the connection between acts of generosity or service is purely based on what you get in return.

Have fun together, and not just in the bedroom, and be willing to open up emotionally as well as intimately. This not only prevents a relationship from becoming transactional but can reverse the process of a relationship reaching that stage.